


But are you afraid to die?

by Llamamomo, Skyriazeth



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Drinking to Cope, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Attempt, if suicide squicks you don't read it!!, its angst through and through and omfg i need to write something else, this has been a psa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 07:37:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15792000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Llamamomo/pseuds/Llamamomo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyriazeth/pseuds/Skyriazeth
Summary: Hank has to see it for himself to believe it- and when he does, he wishes he never did.Connor's smile.Blue.And god, it hurts.





	But are you afraid to die?

**Author's Note:**

> This was part of a collab fic with my friend! @Llamamomo ! I've rewritten it so it's only from Hank's POV-- thank you for letting me share this!!

  
  
  
  
  
Rain was falling harder than Hank had initially anticipated, obscuring his vision of the road ahead. Drops of water were harshly pummeling against the cold metal roof, the loud symphony a welcome respite from his restless mind. His grip on the steering wheel tighten, stepping on the gas, feet anxious to get to its destination. Hank _had_ to be sure-- he had to see it for himself, and prayed to whatever god was out there that it was all just a practical joke.

_“No, please, you don’t understand, he’s going to fucking die! He- Cole needs help now!” Hank’s voice was caught in his throat, dread washing over him as his son was rushed into the hospital, bleeding heavily. He wasn’t going to lose his son, not after everything that’s happened._

_“I’m sorry Mr. Anderson, but there’s no human surgeon available at the current moment. I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”  Without hesitation, Hank grabbed the hem of the android, shoving it against the wall. Rage and fury bubbled in his chest, the desperation to save his son was overwhelming all other emotions he was feeling._

_“I don’t fucking care! Cole needs a doctor now, and you’re damn well gonna find a way to save him!” Hank’s grip tightened on the android, increasing his pressure on the terrified android , and finally, it relented, the amber glow of its LED now burning brighter._

_“There… is another way…”_

After what seemed like ages, the car finally came to a screeching  halt, and Hank scrambled out of the vehicle, dashing towards the ruins of a giant cathedral that somehow still managed to keep its sanctity after all those years. The rain didn’t slow him down, going as quick as his feet could bring him, and he struggled to keep himself upright as he ran, heaving strangled breaths in between. He wasn’t going to let this happen all over again, he can’t, he can’t stand to go through this one more time.

Hank stumbled onto the grand door that no doubt led to the cathedral halls, and with one swift move, he threw them open harshly. And immediately, he was stopped in his tracks from the sight he beheld.

Connor was pinned almost gracefully onto the cathedral’s colorful glass panes, vibrant cobalt streaming from various cuts and wounds. Chunks of metal pierced his limbs with chilling accuracy,secure in order to hold him in place. It was like a sick recreation of the crucification of Jesus, brought to life right before his eyes.  His attire-- a grey jacket which had been horribly torn with the model code ‘ RK800’ that had imprinted itself into Hank’s mind made him had no doubts that this was Connor-- the Connor he had worked with all this time, his partner in crime, his _friend._

The deafening rain that poured outside was the only thing that distracted him from the utter ache that he was feeling in his chest, yet he couldn’t move, too stunned, too horrified as his mind filled itself with dreadful, crippling thoughts that made his feet feel like lead.

“Lieutenant,” The voice that Hank once mocked jokingly was heartbreakingly small, piercing him with a pain that had dulled with time, but like tearing apart an old wound again, it burnt twice as much.  
  
“Please help me.” Doe brown eyes stared pleadingly at him, lost and scared and terrified-- something that an android shouldn’t be able to feel yet Connor was living proof of how what Hank once thought was nothing but a machine show emotion.  
  
Connor reached out with a shaky, outstretched hand, seeking for contact, but Hank instinctively took a step back, the shock still ringing in his bones and his mind was still refusing that this was happening. His jaw dropped and snapped shut again, the words lodged in his throat containing millions of questions he wanted to ask yet couldn’t bring himself to.  
  
“Sorry,” The words punched through the silent air of the church as tears flowed freely from Connor’s eyes, and Hank felt his heart twist even more that the first time he sees an android cry, it had to be Connor at a near death state.  
  
“I’m so sorry.” Connor repeated, LED staining red as it spun and spun. The breath from Hank has already been squeezed out from him entirely, but the next sentence that comes out of Connor’s mouth has him nearly choking.  
  
“Deactivate me.”

The words hit Hank like a truck, and it took him almost a minute to register what had just came out of Connor’s mouth. He could feel the thunderous beat of his heart as a flash of lightning illuminated the dim hall, the quiet plea in Connor’s eyes heartbreaking.

“Connor- W-what? What are you talking about?” The nervous laughter was a poor attempt to hide his growing concern, the ludicrous request only making Hank even more apprehensive.

“I have no use to the DPD anymore,” Connor began weakly, and Hank barely missed the fear in his trembling voice.

”I had been compromised, my software had been increasingly unstable, not to mention my failure to complete my missions. I’m afraid that I have been… leading to deviancy, Lieutenant.”

That managed to shake Hank out of his stupor , his former anxiety and worry now replaced with a sort of anger that he didn’t quite understand. What he had found hard to do seconds before, was now as easy task as he marched towards the wounded android, the biting cold of the raining breeze nothing but an afterthought.

“For fuck’s sake! Do you think I give a shit about you becoming a deviant, Connor? Have you been paying attention at all?” Not once did Hank’s step falter, hands clenched tightly in fists in an effort to calm himself. The countless times he had let Connor lead their missions, gave him the choice to what Connor felt right-- all because he cared about the Android, so much so he had tossed the case he was handed with casually aside because he knew what was more important.

“ For an android, you’re so fucking stupid sometimes!” Hank sucked in a sharp breath when he stood right before Connor , still bleeding blue with an expression of defeat etched on his weary face.

“Why’d you gotta get yourself almost killed again, huh?” He could barely croak out the words, voice on the verge of breaking.

“Huh? Answer me!” This time, it was louder, almost a desperate cry to have his question answered. He already seen Connor die once, he didn’t need to witness it again.

“I..” Connor LED had changed from the stressful red to sickly yellow, mouth hanging open yet unable to offer and explanation.

“I just wanted to make you proud.” The tears dripping down Connor’s face before was now flowing like a swift river, ugly sobs racking upon his frame.  
  
“I’m sorry,Lieutenant.”

_It was dusk when Hank picked Cole up from basketball practice, his insistence on playing a little more longer always seemed to get the best of the old cop. Cole sat in the front seat, sporting a blue grey jersey with the numbers 80 printed neatly below the family name. He was drenched with sweat from head to toe, exhaustion clear on his face, but the content smile that remained was reassurance enough that he had an enjoyable time._

_White started to fall from outside the car, as if the road wasn’t already haphazardly slippery enough. It was best that he made it back home quickly, before the snowfall started to get too heavy, and risk Cole catching a cold._

_Hey dad?” Cole spoke up after a moment of shared silence, a content grin on his face as he beamed at Hank._

_“What’s up kiddo?” He briefly glanced at his son, spotting the growing smile at the corner of his eye._

_“Are you proud of me?” Cole’s grin was now contagiously wide, and Hank couldn’t help but return the gesture as he ruffled his hair with a free hand, the other still firmly on the wheel._

_“ ‘Course I am! Couldn’t be prouder to call you my son.” A small chuckle escaped from Hank’s mouth, his chest filling up with familiar warmth._

_And that was the last thing he felt before he heard a jarring honk from a truck, then, darkness._

  
It was then that Hank was abruptly awoken from his reverie, the smiling image of his late son replaced with a sobbing android, Connor struggling to curl into himself as he cried. Blue blood began leaking faster from his wounds, further staining his clothes blue.

“Shit! Hang on- hang on, Connor!” The realization threw Hank into a panicked state, looking around frantically for something to reach Connor with. With all his might, Hank hastily pushed a broken podium towards him and clambered on top of it, a firm hand placed on his wound to try and stop the bleeding.

“Hey, hey- It’ll be alright. Everything’s gonna be fine. Okay Connor? Everything’s gonna be fine.” Taking in a deep breath, Hank placed both hands on the metal scrap that held Connor in place and ripped them out quickly, each time eliciting a pained gasp from the android as he removed them one by one.

He could see the life from Connor dribbling away as he tore the shards out, just like the red that streamed down his hand and out of his grasp. Hank couldn’t care less about the cuts he received that bloodied his old, calloused hands-- too focused on doing everything in his power to save Connor.

“I’m scared,” Connor croaked out, and, Christ did it hurt. Of all things Connor chose to say, he picked the one emotion that embodied both dread and fear that Hank was all too familiar with, and made even worse when Connor repeated it a second time.  
  
‘Hank, I’m scared.”  
  
Then, “Please help me.”  
  
It was all Hank could do not have his knees buck then and there, the use of his given name not escaping his notice. Connor only ever called Hank by his name when he was in trouble and needed his help, and to see him at such a state again as Connor wheezed out his name nearly broke Hank.

“It’s okay Connor, I’m here. I’m here. We’re gonna get you all patched up, alright? Just hang in there.” Hank wasted no time getting Connor down when he was done, his hands stained a mixture of scarlet and blue, hefting the android onto the ground.  
  
“... Jesus, this is bad.” The cop muttered under his breath, desperately trying to find a way to stop the bleeding enough for Connor to stabilize and give him time to call for help. Looking around to find nothing that could be of use, Hank shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it tightly around Connor’s torso, hoping by some miracle, it was enough.

The distraught expression on Hank’s face spoke volumes of his current state of mind, a chaotic mess as he supported Connor in one arm, weak and broken underneath him. However, there was one thing that he knew for certain-- He had to save Connor at all costs.

Connor had calmed down slightly from his sobbing fest, leaving only tear tracts on his synthetic skin. Weakly Connor reached out his hand again, and this time, Hank didn’t flinch away, too busy trying to assess the severity of his injuries. The hand drifted to clutch on hank’s shirt as hard as it could, Connor seeming to find comfort from the scratchy material as a small smile tugged at the edges of his lips. Though Hank could see the exhaustion in the android's eyes, laid limp and unmoving against Hank’s chest.

“Hank,” The mention of his name again made his heart race faster than it’d ever been and Hank was convinced that if it went on any longer, he might die of a heart attack. 

“The Cyberlife warehouse.”Connor’s voice was unwavering with a certain determination the Hank recognized when Connor was dead set on completing his mission.

“Get them to the city center” Hank could only catch one more glimpse of the brief softness in Connor’s hazelnut eyes before they fluttered shut, panic rising in his gut. 

“Stop Markus.” The rage returned full force to Hank, and he could almost feel his fingers burn with an itch he couldn’t really quite place.

“That bastard! I had a bad feeling about him, but I didn’t think… God, I fucking wish I could’ve seen it sooner. Then you wouldn’t be in this damn mess.” The unrelenting grip on his jacket served as a good reminder that Connor was still alive, still with him. The feeling of reassurance didn’t last long however, burning anger creeping back to his chest when he managed to piece together the bits of information from Connor’s words.

“Was- Was he the one that fuckin’ did this to you?”

Connor shook his head.

“Please Hank,”  he shakily loosen his grip, and Hank noticed how much Connor’s voice was straining to speak now.  
  
“Promise me.”  The helpless expression that was painted on Connor’s face made Hank nod without a second thought, despite knowing that Connor had no means of seeing it.

“... Yeah, Connor. Yeah, yeah I promise. ‘Course I will.” There was no hesitation in his words, only determination that he would bring Connor back to Cyberlife, and Hank would handle the rest. Despite Connor’s denial, Hank was almost sure that this was Markus’ doing, and he damn well wasn’t gonna let him get away with it.

Hank let out a breathy sigh, hunched form starting to shake when he began noticing the little details. Connor’s LED dimming. Closed eyes. The flow of blue Thirium that never seemed to cease. Bits of synthetic human skin peeling away. The climbing heat of his body temperature. He wanted to keep lying to himself, that everything was going to be fine.

Truth is, it never was.

But the tuft of Connor’s stupid, dumb hair that was messily sprawled on his hopeful face reminded him of how much the android had changed his life. For once in three, lonely years, things were starting to get better.

And now? 

“ God Connor… I can’t- _I can’t_ lose you again.” Hank refused to let his only ray of hope be snatched away, after all he’s been through, he wasn’t sure if he could take it anymore if that happened.  
  
“Hank, live for me,” Connor whispered, and Hank wished it could be that easy, thirium pooling around them like a lake, threatening to pull him back into its depths.  
  
“If not for me then for Cole.” The sudden stillness in the atmosphere was stiffening, but Connor pushed on, blissfully unaware of what Cole’s name had sparked inside him and now he’s reliving the moment over and over again and god, god did it hurt.  
  
God did it hurt to be alive.

“I won’t forgive you if you kill yourself over me,” Connor continued, and little did he know that his attempts of convincing Hank were falling apart quicker than he was and all he felt was pain, numbing his body and mind. 

“I’m sure Cole won’t appreciate either.” Hank’s posture was unnervingly still, and he wasn’t sure what, but something inside him snapped.  
  
“Fucking hell, don't you dare pull this shit on me Connor!” Hank gripped the lapels of his torn jacket, pulling him closer so the android could notice the flaring anger in his tired blue eyes. Why did he have to drag Cole into this-? He didn't need to be reminded of the death of his son while Connor life was slowly trickling away in his arms. Connor had too much of a striking resemblance with his little boy, and the thought of it only made Hank’s heart ache even more.  
  
“Cole…” The words caught in his throat, almost too painful to utter, but Hank continued. “...is dead now. And he's not comin’ back. But-”

A flash of hope glimmered in his eyes, his hold on Connor faltered, the features of his old face softening. “ - you're still alive. And…I don't fucking think I could live with myself knowing that I let this happen twice.”  
  
Another shake of his head.

“It’s no use Hank, I’m going to shut down permanently in 7 minutes.” With his fears confirmed, Hank froze, the world around him plunged into a dark abyss that he’s only managed to escape once, and probably for the last time too. The light was drained from his hopeful eyes, the ocean blue tint washing away to reveal a muted grey.

“You gave all you got Lieutenant, “ Hank could only wish that it was any closer to the truth.  
  
“I’m really glad to be your partner.” Sincerity was permeating his tone, gratitude woven into that goofy little voice of his that Hank had gotten so used to.

“Thank you, Hank.” Connor smiled.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done. Thank you for letting me the chance to truly live.”  

The sudden torrent of grief that overwhelmed Hank had now manifested into a steady stream of tears that cascaded down his face. His hand was clutching tightly at Connor’s, refusing to accept that he was powerless to do anything.  
  
_The faint steady beeps of the heart monitor was a welcoming respite from the hectic situation Hank was currently dealing with. He squeezed the small hand in his large one tightly, hoping to reassure Cole to the best of his ability. Everything was going to be alright, he was sure of it._

_The thought was the only thing anchoring Hank to reality now, holding back the tears that threaten to fall upon seeing his son tainted with blood, something he never wanted to witness outside his work as a detective. Yet fate wasn’t so kind to the old cop, and now Cole’s life hung by a thread, with no one to help him or his poor son._

_Hank’s pupils darted around frantically when he felt the small hand that he was holding shifted slightly, searching for any signs of distress Cole was showing but found none. Instead, he could see a small smile round his son’s face. It helped soothed his nerves, even for just a short while._  
_  
Though, it didn’t make it any less painful when the solemn announcement of Cole’s departure was delivered to him, Hank barging straight into the operating room to see it with his own eyes as the room was filled with a deafening, flatline beep that had forever etched itself into Hank’s mind._

It was all too much. For once in his pathetic life, Hank wanted to make a decision on his own, not because of alcohol or sadness or the damn regret that had tailed him for all these years. He didn’t want to feel powerless any longer.

“Connor… It’s been- it’s been a real honor working with you too.” A small sad smile twitched at the sides of his mouth, giving Connor’s hand one last comforting squeeze before letting it go and pulling out his pistol. 

The click as the gun was reloaded resonated throughout the almost serene atmosphere of the abandoned cathedral, leaving the sound of light rain falling in the background. This time, it was going to be different, Hank decided.  

“Hank?” Connor called out, sensing the unease in his voice, but Hank couldn't respond, too wrapped up in his own pain to listen.

“Where are you?” Weak arms blindly grasped around, searching for the comforting contact that had left him so suddenly. Hank sucked in a breath, trying his best to ignore him as he mustered the courage to pull the trigger.

“Hank no!” His voice was glitching in fear, his LED burning a deep red as his frantic trashing failed to stop Hank. 

“You promised!” He’s hyper-aware of the red that was trickling from his palm and dropping into Connor’s growing pool of blue.  
  
“You promised to stop Markus!” Right now, Hank could care less about that, bleak thoughts filling his mind , burning and freezing his insides at the same time.  
  
“You can’t throw away your life, Please Hank, live for me. Please, Hank. Please- ” Was this what it felt like to be pulled apart? Put back together to be broken again and again until the pieces that remain are no longer discernible from the person he once was. Hank didn’t want to wait to find out.

“Don’t die.”

The tears are falling faster now, like crashing waves onto a once peaceful shore, engulfing everything it sees and it _hurts._ Hank didn't want to feel the choking pain that the hot rush of alcohol brought after all this was over and he was casted back into his bleak, empty life.  

No more Russian roulette, no more late night drinking when despair came knocking down his door, no more hangovers and the feeling of regret, no more being a damn coward and never pulling the trigger.

Hank wanted to stop the hurting for _good_. 

Connor’s pleas fell on deaf ears as Hank aligned the barrel of the gun against his temple with a shaky hand, breathing uneven.  
  
“ God… Connor. I’m sorry- I - I’m so sorry.” Every single part of his body was screaming at him to put the gun down, _to live_ , for Connor’s sake, but Hank was too far gone to listen to reason.  
  
“ There’s nothing left for me to live for. Not… Not when you’re dead.” He sucked in a deep breath, finger on the trigger and ready to fire, but something made him hesitate.  
  
Hank can feel Connor’s warm arms pull him into a final embrace, wrapping around his middle and clinging onto him like a lifeline. His grip on the pistol relaxed considerably before clattering on the ground, taking him a moment to register the comforting hug he was being enveloped in before returning the gesture, his own arms circling Connor’s back and squeezing him tight.  
  
“Please Hank, _I don’t want you to die_.”

Hank picked his words carefully, knowing full well he can’t promise that, but at least he could try giving whatever small comfort he could provide during Connor's last dying breath.

“I know kid… I know.” Hank breathed out, whatever energy he had left leaving his body.  
  
“I’ll- I’ll try. Okay Connor? For you.” He’d try, even if it was only for a few minutes more.

The LED that now glowed a peaceful blue told Hank it worked, and the brief feeling of content that washed over his body nearly made him rethink his decision.  
  
“Thank you, Hank…” Connor’s hands around him faded away, life gone from his body as Connor shuts down, the light that used to color the LED on Connor’s temple dim and muted.  
  
Reluctantly, Hank pulled away from his lifeless body, setting him down gently onto the floor. His eyes shifted to where his pistol was dropped, reclaiming it in his hand. Hank took one final glance at Connor’s sleeping body before lining it up against his head, eyes closed as he counted his breathing.  
  
A minute passed.  
  
Two minutes.  
  
The sound of rain has stopped.  
  
Three minutes.  
  
A gunshot was fired.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Alternate Title : Connor dies and so does Hank


End file.
